Cha-cha-cha-changes!
May 28th, 2020 17:28Well hello there. I actually don't know who's reading this journal still, but that's okay. Maybe you just check this once in a blue moon, but I'm still here, updating. I think my nostalgia toward my Livejournal days would never let me not have a DW account, so as long as this website is functional, I'm here.
Anyway, if you're only reading through the Friends page, you may not notice I completely changed my layout. So now it doesn't quite match my username of 'cerulean' because it's mostly green and brown but, hey, I really like the style and this is the most pleasing color combo. Maybe I can change my name to 'watermelon_mornings' to match but that's just too much work. Now why did I change it suddenly? Well, I want a new start. Journaling-wise, that is, and I could go somewhere else and make another journal, but you know I already have a lot of blogs that I don't use and ended up deleting, so instead of being wasteful and, let's admit it, ADHD like that, I should actually utilize the ones I already have. So, this one it is. I haven't been using this diligently as much anyway, and so it is perfect for a re-do.
And why do I need a re-do, you ask? Well, let's get serious for a minute. I fell into serious depression just a few weeks ago and am still dealing with coming out of it. I blame it 100% on Covid quarantine and the general state of unrest in America. (Just to put a historical time stamp on this, last night Minneapolis rioted due to police brutality of George Floyd, amidst the pandemic too.) I can't book an appointment with my therapist because he's booked solid. And the novel I'm working on is nowhere near finished. Still. Because of me and my mental health issues that makes me a horrible fit for a self-motivated writer, really. My life's calling is really filled with strife, huh?
So, enough excuses, I decided. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expect a different result. So the only thing I can do, then, is to change myself. I need to work smarter AND harder, and I know my personal downfall is because I expect perfection the first time in all things. Literally the smallest, most inconsequential thing, if not perfect, would send me into a panic attack. Multiply this by, uh, multi-folds? because of the pandemic and the slew of medical issues I'm having now, I freeze up and do nothing, and I mean NOTHING, productive. Like, not even productive - fun. I do nothing that's FUN. Things I used to do for fun I stop, and all I do now is sit in bed and maybe type stupid shit once in a while. You know, almost as if I have depression right now. I mean it took me like two tries to write this post, and even then I stopped in the middle and almost gave up finishing, when it's literally a stream-of-consciousness rambling. Rambling is hard right now ffs!
Okay, maybe I have gone off track a bit. Sorry, not the most focused right now. Now back to the writing part. I'm going to basically set myself a "NaNoWriMo" type of work schedule. Not that I have to write 50k in a month, but that the mentality of getting the words down on the page is more important than what they are. So no editing. Not just excessive editing, NO editing while writing. (Yes yes I know that even if I keep in mind the no editing mantra I'd still edit some, can't help it, but I will move on quicker.) Editing is for later - the goal is to get through the story. It's end of May 2020, I do not want to go through another NaNoWriMo with the same project again. I'm sick of it, I'm sick of myself, and I'm going to tackle my sickness head on. Even if it's painful af. (Almost started crying just writing out that sentence holy shit. I'm a mess.) I also need to keep in mind that I need to reward myself too. Otherwise I'd burn out or seriously go into depression after another few weeks and that'll just set me back even more. So i won't JUST work on my novel - not only will it be mind-numbing after a while but I really, really do want to write FUN things again. I miss writing fun things and the joy it gives me when I participate in a fan community. I have to be mentally (and physically) sound to work, otherwise it's just not sustainable, you know?
Yeah, okay, still didn't address why I need a new journal. Right. Why I need a new journal? Because this will be the way I keep myself on track. I'll be setting up a new word tracker and NaNoWriMo project and everything. I will post more here, about my goals and progress and all that jazz. I will also post more fanfic, or at least links to them. I will still post snippets on tumblr and actual fics on AO3, but I will link things on here now. Like my playlist entries, this is used as more of a personal progress meter than anything else. It'll keep me motivated, I think, and will whip me back into shape if I fall behind. Because I have to change or else. I'm not young, and although writing is not necessarily a young person's game, it's better to play it earlier and for longer, you know?
Wow this entry got massive. Well, I guess it's what happens when you have so much to explain and so many things to change about yourself. Thank you for making it through my rambling/goal/self pep talk. I'm going to go setup all the trackers and other motivational writing tools now. I will definitely need them for the near future.
Anyway, if you're only reading through the Friends page, you may not notice I completely changed my layout. So now it doesn't quite match my username of 'cerulean' because it's mostly green and brown but, hey, I really like the style and this is the most pleasing color combo. Maybe I can change my name to 'watermelon_mornings' to match but that's just too much work. Now why did I change it suddenly? Well, I want a new start. Journaling-wise, that is, and I could go somewhere else and make another journal, but you know I already have a lot of blogs that I don't use and ended up deleting, so instead of being wasteful and, let's admit it, ADHD like that, I should actually utilize the ones I already have. So, this one it is. I haven't been using this diligently as much anyway, and so it is perfect for a re-do.
And why do I need a re-do, you ask? Well, let's get serious for a minute. I fell into serious depression just a few weeks ago and am still dealing with coming out of it. I blame it 100% on Covid quarantine and the general state of unrest in America. (Just to put a historical time stamp on this, last night Minneapolis rioted due to police brutality of George Floyd, amidst the pandemic too.) I can't book an appointment with my therapist because he's booked solid. And the novel I'm working on is nowhere near finished. Still. Because of me and my mental health issues that makes me a horrible fit for a self-motivated writer, really. My life's calling is really filled with strife, huh?
So, enough excuses, I decided. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expect a different result. So the only thing I can do, then, is to change myself. I need to work smarter AND harder, and I know my personal downfall is because I expect perfection the first time in all things. Literally the smallest, most inconsequential thing, if not perfect, would send me into a panic attack. Multiply this by, uh, multi-folds? because of the pandemic and the slew of medical issues I'm having now, I freeze up and do nothing, and I mean NOTHING, productive. Like, not even productive - fun. I do nothing that's FUN. Things I used to do for fun I stop, and all I do now is sit in bed and maybe type stupid shit once in a while. You know, almost as if I have depression right now. I mean it took me like two tries to write this post, and even then I stopped in the middle and almost gave up finishing, when it's literally a stream-of-consciousness rambling. Rambling is hard right now ffs!
Okay, maybe I have gone off track a bit. Sorry, not the most focused right now. Now back to the writing part. I'm going to basically set myself a "NaNoWriMo" type of work schedule. Not that I have to write 50k in a month, but that the mentality of getting the words down on the page is more important than what they are. So no editing. Not just excessive editing, NO editing while writing. (Yes yes I know that even if I keep in mind the no editing mantra I'd still edit some, can't help it, but I will move on quicker.) Editing is for later - the goal is to get through the story. It's end of May 2020, I do not want to go through another NaNoWriMo with the same project again. I'm sick of it, I'm sick of myself, and I'm going to tackle my sickness head on. Even if it's painful af. (Almost started crying just writing out that sentence holy shit. I'm a mess.) I also need to keep in mind that I need to reward myself too. Otherwise I'd burn out or seriously go into depression after another few weeks and that'll just set me back even more. So i won't JUST work on my novel - not only will it be mind-numbing after a while but I really, really do want to write FUN things again. I miss writing fun things and the joy it gives me when I participate in a fan community. I have to be mentally (and physically) sound to work, otherwise it's just not sustainable, you know?
Yeah, okay, still didn't address why I need a new journal. Right. Why I need a new journal? Because this will be the way I keep myself on track. I'll be setting up a new word tracker and NaNoWriMo project and everything. I will post more here, about my goals and progress and all that jazz. I will also post more fanfic, or at least links to them. I will still post snippets on tumblr and actual fics on AO3, but I will link things on here now. Like my playlist entries, this is used as more of a personal progress meter than anything else. It'll keep me motivated, I think, and will whip me back into shape if I fall behind. Because I have to change or else. I'm not young, and although writing is not necessarily a young person's game, it's better to play it earlier and for longer, you know?
Wow this entry got massive. Well, I guess it's what happens when you have so much to explain and so many things to change about yourself. Thank you for making it through my rambling/goal/self pep talk. I'm going to go setup all the trackers and other motivational writing tools now. I will definitely need them for the near future.
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